One wave at a time

One day at a time, one choice at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time...it's really all I can do right now. I went to the doctor today and I'd gained 12 pounds since I was there last. It wasn't terribly surprising - I can always tell when I've gotten bigger. Everything is harder - walking, sitting, sleeping, breathing... I wanted to feel the number when I saw it on the scale, but even though I feel like I'm on an upward swing, I'm still almost completely numb.

I want to feel my life so I'm going to a new doctor who will hopefully be able to find me a drug that will help me to do that. I know that I can't do this on my own, but for whatever reason, for every aid that I put into place, I put up an even more hideous obstacle. Like I put a trampoline down to help me land safely, but I put it right next to a brick wall covered with razor blades.

I really don't know why I can't just take care of myself the same way I take care of other people - why I will always choose to inconvenience myself rather than someone else. Not really sure what it's about, but it's been that way just about my whole life. So maybe it's time to start being a little more "self-centered," in a good way. Maybe it's time to really figure this all out.

My therapist told me it's up to me to be the captain of my own ship and not be buffeted about by the waves. I suppose I should learn how to tie knots, or perhaps, how to UN-tie them. I've always been prone to sea sickness so this should be interesting...